I mean, technically there is some implication of consent, but I’m pretty sure with all her mental afflictions Bl’ack must count as being CONSTANTLY in a state of inhibited judgement, which makes what ensues pretty-much rape by definition.
So, now that we know what we’re getting in for, and you’ve all had a chance to turn back…
Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life
Yeah, the chapters have titles now apparently. This one is called “Bring me 2 life”, and thus I imagine it must at some point involve Bl’ack being sucked into a video game universe and commanding one of her companions to fetch her and upgrade that restores two health units.
I’m hoping all of the chapters will follow this naming theme, and the next will be called “Bring me 2 of your Earth minutes” followed by “Bring me 2 of every animal”.
AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.
This is true. Her work has now been reviewed by Odin, Zeus, Quetzalcoatl, Osirus and Vishnu. They all hated it. Zeus thought it could maybe be ok if you threw in a few more monsters and wine, but, y’know, that’s Zeus for you.
n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!
I THINK what she means by this is that it is her wont to enact an ancient and mystical rite upon the next chapter, and to continue to do so until such time as she is provided with a metal statue of Vons, the neoclassical deity of Southern Californian supermarkets. But the metal HAS to be tin, no other metal will do.
STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U!
Sto Flaming is, I believe, a process similar to heather burning, enacted biannually by the cabbage farmers of the Sto plains. An ill report, I presume, is an after-action account which isn’t very good. But I’m not quite sure how the two are supposed to relate to each other.
Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok
Um, ok I guess. Good for Evony, I suppose. Less good, presumably, for Marie Sue. I’m sure I would be better able to tell if I had a clue who either of those people were.
she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS!
Now, in fairness, I do myself tend to view Satanism as something of an imperfection. I’m a Christian, we kinda have to. The two faiths/ideologies/whatever are directly opposed to one another, so if I believe that I am right (which, as I’m sure most of you can already attest, I usually do) then I must logically conclude that Satanism is, in some sense, wrong. Nonetheless, I’m fairly sure that to publicly declare that another person’s religion counts as a character flaw constitutes discriminatory slander.
Also, I presume “she” here is Bl’ack. IS Bl’ack indicated to be a Satanist at any point in the previous chapters? Did I just miss that? She hasn’t shown any indication of being very religious at all, from what I can see. Maybe she’s a hands-off Lapsed Laveyan Satanist? Or perhaps, on top of all her other issues, she suffers from Dissociative Personality Disorder and only ONE of her aspects is a Satanist.
n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!
Oh yes. Bl’ack has problems all right. Sweet mother of Mulciber does Bl’ack ever have problems. And maybe if you, as the writer, were to address any of these problems realistically and display actual consequences then it would prevent her from coming across as a Mary Sue.
That’s the end of the author’s note, so I’m afraid we must now tackle the scene itself.
Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs.
The way she words that, I can’t NOT imagine the two of them ascending the stairs each with one of their OWN pallid hands clasped firmly in their grip. Whether the hands in question are still attached is unclear.
Bl’ack, of course, has pale white hands and black nail polish because she is a Vampire and a member of the black-and-white-obsessed Douchebag House. Draco presumably just used make-up to make him resemble Bl’ack as much as possible because he is attempting to seduce her and he’s noticed that there is nothing Bl’ack loves more than her own appearance.
I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish
I’m not sure whether I should interpret that as saying that she has intricate sketches on her nails of various groups of Satanists gathered for group singing sessions (that being the only context in which “sing” is acceptable as a noun) or whether I should assume it’s a typo (c’mon, 30% More Lucifer Girl, you had ONE job!) in which case I shall insist on assuming that she has tiny portraits of Kahn Noonien Singh as a Satanist on them. The Satanist personality is apparently also a talented artist, and possibly a Star Trek fan.
(AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).
Well, does it? Let’s see… emphasis on her make-up… hand-in-hand with an inexplicably out-of-character and infatuated canon individual… incredible artistic talent… Star Trek connection… yep, we’re done here.
I waved to Vampire.
Vampire, you may remember, is Harry Potter, only without the scar or the glasses, and with a different name and personality, and he looks like Joel Madden and talks like Nolan North impersonating the Tenth Doctor, and he’s from Medieval Germany and he loves the taste of human blood. But apart from those few slight differences, he’s EXACTLY like Harry Potter.
He isn’t an actual Vampire, either. He just dresses as one. Evidently he identifies with the sanguinarian vampire lifestyle subculture (it’s an actual thing; look it up on Wikipedia) as an excuse to satisfy his human blood fetish. Tracey Wiggington, the semi-famous Australian murderer, had a similar thing going on, as did Richard Trenton Chase, American serial-killer and all-round terrifying individual.
Dark misery was in his depressed eyes.
New theory: Tara Gilesbie is the descendant of Edward “Dark and Stormy Night” Bulwer-Lytton.
I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.
Wait… shouldn’t that, if anything, be “he was jealous of DRACO for going out with ME”? I’m pretty sure Harry Potter does not have a crush on Draco Malfoy. You’d think it would be mentioned if he had any same-sex attraction whatsoever, and Draco is one of only two people he considers feeding to a dragon in-canon (the other is Professor Snape. Do not ask why I still know this.)
Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…
Another of Ms Gilesbie’s trademark paragraph-break-long Dramatic Pauses. Go get a coffee or something, we’re gonna be here a while.
…aaaaaaand we’re back.
We started frenching passively
I assume that “frenching” here means “French kissing” (which, by the way? Not even French) rather than, like, speaking French or something. What confuses me is that they both do so “passively”. For those unfamiliar with the intricacies of linguistic terminology, the passive party is acted upon by the active party. If they are both passive parties here, then this implies that they are both having kisses forced on them by other people.
and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.
On the plus side, Tara (or, more likely, 30%ML Girl) has finally realised how to spell “off”.
He felt me up before I took of my top.
…alas. Rest in Peace, Uncharacteristically Correct Spelling. We hardly knew ye.
Then I took off
Oh for pity’s sake. A little consistency, at the very least, would be appreciated.
my black leather bra
OK. Turns out, there IS such a thing. Very few retailers sell them (certainly not Hot Topic, Bl’ack’s own clothier of choice) but if you search the internet, well, it’s there. In some of the darker corners. I’d guess they’re for masochists, those being the only people who would think constant chafing on one of the most sensitive parts of the body counted as a selling point. And in fairness, Bl’ack does shove crosses in her ears despite being a Vampire, so maybe she IS a masochist, on top of all the other psychological abnormalities lining up in her head.
Now if you’re excuse me, I need to expunge several parts of my brain.
and he took off his pants.
Which, ironically, are NOT explicitly noted to be leather.
We went on the bed
Not the best place for it, but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I think that is the most juvenile joke I’ve ever used in one of these.
and started making out naked
It is unclear whether or not they are doing so with the same anonymous Other People by whom they were earlier being actively Frenched.
and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine
OK, come to think of it, we never got explicit confirmation that Bl’ack was, y’know, anatomically equipped in the usual AFAB way. The earlier sex scene was too vague to tell. Maybe she’s transgender or intersex (although I doubt it because Tara Gilesbie doesn’t seem to like LGBT people). Even if she does share anatomy with Draco, though… if she’s trying to say what it looks like she’s trying to say, well, that particular move is impossible. I’m, like, 83% sure of that.
So, yeah, I am forced to conclude that, in fact, she means that Bl’ack purchased a top hat of her own at some point, and it’s big enough that Draco (No Longer Currently In Leather Pants) can fit his inside it.
and we HAD SEX.
The emphasis, presumably, is there to draw attention to the controversially explicit nature of the scene. It hasn’t worked, though. Instead, my attention is drawn to wondering whether the Other People who were actively Frenching are still there or not.
(c is dat stupid?)
Exceedingly so, thankyou for asking.
‘Oh Draco, Draco!’ I screamed while getting an orgasm
Bl’ack’s pathological love of top hats strikes again.
Oh, oh, oh, TEWKESBURY!
when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm.
I was not aware that people became more observant during orgasms, but there you go. We live and learn.
It was a black heart with an arrow through it.
Probably a LITERAL heart with a LITERAL arrow through it, given the aesthetic favoured by the author.
On it in bloody gothic writing
Gothic Script is actually a thing, although I imagine Tara doesn’t know this, since she seems to only just barely know her way around a computer. I’m not entirely sure how one would make Gothic Script “bloody”… unless Bl’ack is picking up British slang and expressing her frustration at how everything in this fanfic seems to be “gothic” in some way.
were the words…
Let us use this Dramatic Pause to discuss what these mystery words could possibly be. Personally, my money’s on “Help help I’m trapped in an awful fanfic factory”.
That’s one word. You mediocre dunce.
I was so angry.
WHY exactly? Because he has a tattoo proclaiming his love for Vampires? YOU’RE a Vampire!
Oh. OHHHHHH. It’s implying that Draco (Still Not In Leather Pants Any More) was in a queer relationship with Harry “Vampire” Potter. And since Tara is a filthy filthy homophobe, it follows that her Mary Sue Author Avatar must also be a filthy filthy homophobe.
[CHECKS EARLIER ANNOTATIONS ON SAME CHAPTER]
I CALLED this! Well… sort-of. I actually noted that it was explicitly impossible. What’s the OPPOSITE of calling something?
‘You bastard!’ I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.
Impressively, Draco (CNILP) apparently works out what she means straight off the bat (despite there being multiple legitimate reasons to call him by that moniker, given his behaviour thus far).
But you don’t understand!’ Draco pleaded.
Oh, Draco. If only you knew how true your words were of EVERYTHING in this fanfic.
But I knew too much.
Are the men in black going to take her away? Please tell me the men in black are going to take her away.
‘No, you fucking idiot!’ I shouted.
That’s a bit harsh. I’m not sure even the Tea Party actually thinks being bisexual makes you an idiot.
‘You probably have AIDs anyway!’
‘AIDS comes from bisexual people, right?’. That’s our Tara.
I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked.
Pretty sure public indecency within school is grounds for expulsion.
He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care.
But apparently not too mad to pay more attention to this one absurd detail than you have to EVERYTHING ELSE THAT DOESN’T HAVE TO DO WITH YOURSELF.
I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom
I’m guessing Tara has not memorised Harry’s timetable in the hour or so since she met him, so I can only assume that she stomped her way through every classroom in the school systematically until she found the right one.
Say what you will about Bl’ack, but she sure can keep up a good tantrum, stomping around for ages on end without starting to feel silly.
Let us picture this moment.
STOMPY STOMPY STOMP.
where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.
I wonder if these are the same Other People who were actively Frenching earlier. Maybe the reason they vanished from the scene was that class was about to start.
‘VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!’ I yelled.
I find it a bit weird to be formal enough to use the surname but simultaneously informal enough to replace the first name with a nickname. Neither of them seem appropriate when paired with the swear.
As to WHY exactly she has spent all this time stompily seeking out Harry to swear at him, I can only assume that she is on a mission to locate and swear at every LGBT individual in the school.
We’ll see how that goes in the next chapter, which I imagine is called ‘Bring Me 2 All The Gay People’.
STOMPY STOMPY STOMP